SABOTAGE by Carole D

I was thinking about why I sabotage my progress at times.  Why would I want to stay in my shit?

Somewhere, I heard someone give an answer to that question.  Why do I stay in my shit?  Because it may stink, but it’s warm and it’s familiar.

I’ve been thinking beyond that answer to a deeper truth.  I’ve just begun to admit that if I take a step out of my shit, then I will be farther down the road into unknown territory.  That next step won’t be as familiar.  What will that next place look like?  What will be expected of me?  What will I need to do?   What won’t I be able to do anymore?

If somehow I manage to survive the new territory, and it becomes

familiar, and I get comfortable in my new surroundings, others will look

at me and say “Look at the progress you’ve made!”  People will know that

I can make progress!  How can this be a bad thing?

For me, it is terrifying.  If I make progress, I am afraid that I’ll be

expected to make more progress and then more progress.  If I make

progress, I won’t be able to stay a victim.  I won’t be able to use “I

can’t do it” as an excuse for staying in my shit.  My friends and family

won’t feel sorry for me anymore.  My friends and family won’t cover for

me anymore.  My friends and family won’t take care of me anymore.  My

friends and family won’t do things for me anymore, because they will

know that I can do things for myself.  My friends and family will know

that I’m not helpless.  My friends and family won’t pretend that my shit

doesn’t stink anymore.

I sabotage my progress because I want to stay helpless, hopeless,

pathetic, and have my friends and family take care of me.  I sabotage my

progress because I am afraid of my own success.  I sabotage my progress because I know that more than anyone, I will expect more of myself.  I sabotage my progress because if I succeed, I’ll have to show up.

I’m at a place of choice.  I’ve had enough recovery in my life to know

that I don’t like the smell of shit anymore.  I’ve enjoyed the fresh air

perfumed with the joy and serenity of recovery to know that FEAR won’t keep me in my stinking thinking.  I know I have to talk about my FEAR.  I know I have to replace the FEAR with FAITH.  I know my road to  FAITH is TRUST.  I know my connection to TRUST is my HIGHER POWER.

It’s time to take the next Step...